The other day I wrote a post full of pain and frustration. My account of the "Evil" ghost was a slightly forced writing on my part in an attempt to relieve myself of the headaches and dreams and general tense feelings I was getting from being frustrated with other people and myself. Other people for certain behaviors of theirs that brought me pain and myself for allowing things to effect me so greatly.
Writing it brought me no relief, actually. In fact the piece itself became this frustrating thing that made my head pulse uncomfortably just to think of it. Later that night as I lay sleepless, unable to enjoy the comfort of bed and the good company I was in (I was over a dearest friend of mines house for a sleepover at the time) as I could only recount in my head constantly my frustration and my attempts at pushing myself past the limits of caring to completely NOT care for these people in order to relieve my pain (to no avail)...I came to a resolve. I had to sleep and I had to resolve this, neither I could do in the state I was in. Teetering between love and hate is a terribly uncomfortably process.
So, I resolved to solve this once and for all. For the time being I let all my feelings rest, my desperate want for change and my anger of the lack there of. I resolved that during my time of sleep the answers to my problem would be revealed to me somehow and in the morning I would awake anew, ready to receive and enact my answer.
I awoke early morning to the warm glow of the sunrise shining though the window and painting it's lovely hue throughout the apartment. I took a refreshing breath as I peaked my head from under the covers to take in the sight. The apartment was peacefully silent as everyone lay asleep and I was overcome with the vibrant tones of orange, yellow, and pink that offset the greys and white of the unlit room. I reflecting on the amazing week I had had, the amazing revitalizing days the sleepover had gifted me, and I thought of how the day ahead would gift me more of such amazing things. I took this truth in with deep breaths before cuddling back up with my husband and falling back into sleep until it was time to rise again to get ready for the day.
My day was off to an ideal start. I awoke revitalized with new breath and excited to explore my day and my answers. I wasn't sure how it would come to me but I knew that my resolve would draw my attention to the right places. On this day I went shopping with my sisters. We got up early to take the bus to the train to get to the Metra to meet up with their mother who (I didn't know at the time) was going to drive us all the way to Wisconsin to take advantage of their low prices. I was out with them pretty much all day, from about 9am to 10pm. Over this time I experienced many thoughts and observations. The highs and lows of the days. The fufillments and dissapointments.
At times I thought of my blog post and at times I thought of my frustration from the day before. Careful not to delve too deep into those stale emotions I took an overview of the parallel of their relevance to my day. Why did my blog post even in it's truths bring me such frustration? What was the point in trying to connect with people if they were going to bring me such frustration? I wondered....can a perfect day only be called so if it is filled flawlessly pleasing things? Certainly no relationship of mine has ever been flawlessly happy but is that to say that none of them were fulfilling and worth sticking through in the end? ...So if a perfect day is to be appreciated and remain unspoiled by it let downs, certainly this is to ring true of my perspective of dealings with other beings as well.
There was also a parallel to be seen in my feelings towards my blog post. Though my emotions were true enough at the time I couldn't help but find them to be drastic in many parts, whiny even and unappreciative of the better times I had shared with the people whom I was complaining about at the time. I struggled with punishing myself for posting it. I wondered how people would view me for saying such things and indeed how I felt about myself for the way I was handling things.I thought "Should I just take it down? But they were my feelings...even even they don't entirely capture the full picture...I mean..." I went back and forth in justifying my words and wanting to destroy them. Sound familiar to my views of how I was treating my connection to others? This of course bringing to mind how I treat others the way I treat myself.
So, what was my answer after all of this?
My answer is that the entirety of anything cannot be expressed in the snapshot of any one moment. Just as my blog post could not express all that I felt and learned about my experience with my feelings in one entry, just as a perfect day is made up of many moments in time, just as a relationship can take many turns, everything comes to reveal a vaster truth over time and experience and to focus on just one moment, one emotion, one side of things is to overlook the truths that all other pieces have brought you. So, I don't have to delete my blog posts or my friends, just let the story continue and allow things to be revealed in their own time.
Yesterday I had the thought that as Humans we just wish to experience each other in one way or another. Though I don't find that the want to experience is limited to human form as all things interact. We connect, we collide, we clash, we combine, we break and remake, we touch the surface and delve deeper, we walk through, around and over. All these things intertwine to create the true flow of life, truth, and wisdom as a whole.
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