A Queens Resolve

Everything must reach a climax, a peak. The highest point of conflict where a decision must be made. Feelings are like this as well.

It's become a time of confession for me. A time when I empty out my old baggage to make room for the new and better. But before the sweet relief of letting go is the well that builds up inside you made of all that held you back; the tension of your worst fears and worries pushing you to tears. The layer of things that got pushed aside under the weight of the strength that you use to move past these most uncomfortable things.

At this climax they can no longer be ignored. This is your vulnerable place. That raw sensitive part of you that knows all your truths and feels all sensations.

It's all staring you in the face now and pulsing through your veins. It beg's to know "What will you do with me?" Shall we continue on in this way or venture to release our ways and then, if you so choose to vanquish your demons the questions becomes "Then how shall you disperse me?". You venture into the waters to the waters to grasp the feeling of their currents and peer into what swims within them. You must understand it's ways to know how to ease it, yet this is no easy thing. To stand still among rapids? To brave the extremes of the churning tides?

I sit here in my flower bud, my petals upturned to face the core within. I examine my colors and I feel sadness, anxiety, the pain of feelings that can no longer be shared. These are not the effect of any particular event but of various elements that cause the rising and falling of the tides of my life. Friendships lost and friendships found, the loss or dampening of connections and the delving deeper into cherished ones. My fears as I face new ventures, options and decisions in my life. My anxiety in the face of my present and future as I stare my dreams in the face and ask myself "Are you ready for this? Can you handle it."

I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose it all. I don't ever want to be able to say that I didn't give it my best. I don't want to give it my best and fail.

Friends, family, work, self, past, present, future...My relation to all these things in the palm of my hands, at the tip of my tongue, in the direction of my feet...

This, I think, is truly the weight of the world.

But I don't want my world to be so heavy. To be in strain for all the time I live is not really to be considered living in my eyes. So I hold on to the trust that I will see my way through my stress and come out with even shinier wings. It's not so serious, after all, that I don't remember this is only a moment and that I have already made it through so much. As my life becomes more intense and fulfilling I come to love it more and more. The more I love it the more I feel I have to lose and the fear builds that I will not be able to stand and protect this. If I were to buckle under my fears then I would truly prove myself right in the worst way. I can't stop myself from worrying or even stumbling sometimes under the weight of my shadows because I'm not perfect but, I remember that If I endure and keep in sight what matters most to me, then in the end I will not falter. In the end I will rise from bent knees gracefully to face the future that I desire with strength, skill, confidence, and authenticity.